By Matthew Overholser and Gabe Goldberg
You walk through many of them every day but did you ever stop and really take a good look. We did. Throughout GFS history many doors have been beaten, written on and some even replaced. This article will evaluate each of these humble portals and will assess which has shown the most resilience over the past years. This contest will be judged based on: features, locations, designs and yes, even the handles. We will start the judging with the rejected horrible misfits that we call S1, S10, S200, S204 and worst of all S112. Each of these doors were judged by only the finest critics, 8th graders. These two 8th graders made a thorough examinations of each door, and after about ten seconds decided what to rate it. First on our list as well as the worst is S112. Its bland color ugly handle and the fact that it didn’t have a window decided its fate. Sorry Jessa, your door is very ugly, so we ranked it a 1 out of 10. For all you brain free people out there, a ranking of 1 is bad. Although one can get a great view of Data (from Star Trek) the overall effect of this door is simply boring. This isn’t a simple boring like when you’re home and have nothing to do; it is the worst boring of all, one actually experiences pain while looking at this door.
The next door on our list is S107. The disgusting place that all boys go to… you know, do their business. It has fared horribly with paint and writing all over the door. The vents at the bottom of the door turn the viewer off as soon as they see them. The chipped writing of Boys 107 on the door is hard to look at and makes people want to leave. We gave this door a 3, for effort. On the other hand the girls bathroom is a pretty good looking door. There is a lot of spirit and it has a much brighter color. Its handle is nice, shiny and clean and the door in total is clean. What a sexist surprise. We rated this door a 5 because of its cleanliness. It didn’t have any windows (duh) which lost it a couple points.
This next was rated 10 for awesomeness. We call this door the special door. It is special because it is located behind two closed doors and is elevated a couple of inches. It is located in the stairway behind Rhonda’s room. This door was rated out of sheer impulse. Maybe the two 8th graders were NOT the best choice to perform this task. But alas, this door was the most special door of all and was given an awesome 10! We loved this door because of its ugly gray tinge and its small impractical elevation. Its handle is just marvelous and we would be honored to open it and feel it’s brilliance and witness its horrifying power. IT will seduce you and it will then proceed to make you worship it. Don’t you love the way this sounds? So do we.
To conclude this contest, we would like to give thanks to all the doors that participated, but were not chosen. We will not list these doors because we are too lazy. Some people we would like to thank are all the people who put up with this horribly dumb article. The last thank you goes to the two great people who wrote this article. hehehehehe.
Photo illustration by Matthew Overholser and Gabe Goldberg