By Ian Kohn and Addison Goldner
Our president, Mr. Donald (Duck) Trump claims that he himself came up with the term “Fake News.” Well, that’s just fake news. In fact, when he was asked why he claimed that, he responded… “Well, all this ‘News’ is based off of me, so I obviously invented fake news.” Trump (*ahem*ahem* Drumph) has also claimed that Taj Mahal casino was built BEFORE the Taj Mahal in India. He says he remembers building the Taj Mahal in India, yet in a picture in the Oval Office, he has a picture of him building the LEGO Taj Mahal.
In other fake news, a criminal was captured after robbing a bank using a spoon as a weapon. The man was sentenced to life without soup, but will be released from prison next Tuesday.
This Thursday is the birthday of the 80 babies born at one time. The family will host a party where each of the children is allowed to bring one friend. In combination, the price of the cake, bouncy house, and presents will supposedly make the family go bankrupt. Luckily the government will give them money, for that family submitted 82 votes for President Trump during the election. The children will be turning 20 this year.
Recently, people have been thinking that college football is better than the NFL. The NFL responded by making each quarter 30 minutes (instead of 15). There have been many more injuries, but scores have been way up. The most high scoring game this week was the Eagles playing the Browns. The final score was 890,087,579,542,868,097-0, Eagles winning by 890,087,579,542,868,097. Sadly all players except Carson Wentz, LaGarrete Blount, and Alshon Jeffrey had to leave the game due to exhaustion or injury.
President Trump and Putin had a play date recently. They played cars and ran around on fake horses. When told by Vice President Pence that it was time to leave, Trump refused. But once told that he wouldn’t be allowed to use a hair comb for a week, he immediately got up and left.
President Trump was watching a Giants game Sunday slightly annoyed. His maid gave him coffee, but it had no milk and it was 0.8 degrees below “Donny’s coffee regulation.” When the national anthem came around, he saw all the players standing… still… standing…. until Sterling Shepard took a knee during the words, “at the twilight’s last gleaming.” Trump’s maid saw him angrily leave the room. When she entered, she saw a hole in the floor from a sledgehammer, the walls littered with plaster, and the TV on the floor with the screen completely cracked, lacking glass, and ripped in fragments entirely.
People have started questioning the existence of the blobfish. Is it a blob, or a fish? In recent studies, blobfish depression has been way up, whereas happy blobfish numbers are down. A blobfish was recently arrested for frowning, and will now become sushi (or is it sashimi?).
A new species was discovered just over a week ago. The Bork fish, found in the depths of the Indian Ocean, is shaped like a dangerously obese chipmunk, and is a variation of the color neon pink. It even has hair, which has a vague representation of President Trump’s comb-over.
It turns out that iPhone just leaked about their next phone after the iPhone X came out. The iPhone O is of similar build as the X, but has a size of 6 inches by 4.5 inches. As smartphones keep getting bigger and tablets smaller, Apple decided to confuse people more just for the heck of it. It is officially a phone, but can make the public question: a phone or a tablet?
The iPhone 10, also known as the X, came out on November 3rd, and is Apple’s most recent release. With an OLED screen and high-tech face reader password, it is one of the smartest smartphones yet. The 10, as normal, came out after the 8 but before the 9! We have wondered if Apple’s smartest engineers know how to make incredible smartphones, but don’t have the capacity to successfully count to 10! Do you agree?
President Donald J. Trump had decided to change his name from Drumph years ago, and he’s deciding to change it again now. His presidency has made his public popularity go way down, and he thinks this might help. President Trup, the Trup of the Truppie Trup nation, is trupping millions of Americans with his new hilarious name, Dinald Trup.
Now for some sports scores:
NFL, week 8
Falcons, 27 Saints, 18
Eagles, 38 Cowboys, 18
Rams, 49 Seahawks, 39
Browns, 3 Bengals, 0
Colts, 14 Jaguars, 10
Chiefs, 52 Broncos, 28
Chargers, 7 Raiders, 3
Packers, 28 Vikings, 24
Steelers, 18 Ravens, 14
Giants, 13 Redskins, 7
Panthers, 24 Buccaneers, 17
Texans , 14 Titans, 10
Patriots, 37 Bills, 27
Jets, 9 Dolphins, 7
Lions, 27 Bears, 3
In baseball, the world series ended. The Houston Astros beating the Burlington Bananas, winning their second year in a row. The Burlington Bananas were a new franchise based in Vermont. How does their name relate to their town? It doesn’t.